It turned out to be he even didn't like me.
i guess i have a good quality for being a friend lol 
i wanna play marimba and jambe.
i wanna earn a lot of money.
i wanna learn smething new.
i wanna be a fashionable girl.

that is all what i wanna do for now.

So I'm 'friend' with the guy I was talking about in the last journal now. 
Being with him was fun. He liked me I guess. But not the way how a man should be feeling like toward a woman.
He wanted me because I was good enough to be with and he could not accept it if I was somebody else's. 
It's like, when you are hungry you find some fastfood store like Mcdonalds and you see people eating an ordinary burger.
You have enough money. and you are hungry. You think, 'Why don't I have one like he does when I can?'
Then you go into the store and pay 5 dollars for drink, potetos and a burger. You just pay 5 dollars to fill your stomach. 
But when  you want to eat at some five-star French restaurant, you gotta think about it twice.
I mean, I was an easy grab to fill his stomach for a while. 

It's sad. 
But I'm okay because i'm with a new guy now. (Think I'm quick shifter? yea, I'm trying to be positive.)
He understands English so I'm kinda afraid if he finds this journal lol oh well.
He is very caring and considerate. He never let me pay. He is fun to be with. He listens to me. 
He takes proper distance with me.(you know, sometimes it can be annyoing when your guy stays around you to much.)
I love spending time with him. 

my college life is getting tough, but as long as he is with me, i am okay.  

 

I'm trying to get used to this chaotic city, Tokyo. 
You see PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE and PEOPLE. 
You see lights all around even at midnight.
This city never sleeps. 

It's been a week ever since my college life has started.
It's been a hectic week, and it still will be. 


I'm in love with a guy who plays the guitar in a band. 
He's such a lovely man. I cannot resist him no matter what.
I love the words that he gives me and how he cares about me.
I love some of his songs, but i never tell cuz i don't want him to get snobbish lol
However, since we have such different life styles, we cannot really get time to see each other.
He lives 10 min away by bike from my house. But he got work and his band, I got school and all that.
I feel lonely when he has to go because  of band meetings and such, 
but I respect what he does so I don't really hate it. 
It's a good type of loneliness. 

mmm i donno what else to write. 
but i guess my life is good.



 

I passed the entrance exam of Sophia University in Tokyo. 
I cannot believe it. I mean, I thought I totally failed. I went home crying from Tokyo that day. 
It's like, "Wow man, wow." .

"Being able to concentrate is a talent"

A famous quote(at least among my friends) by my history teacher.

  I guess I do have an incentive to learn something. But I must admit that I am very easily distracted. By whatever, TV, my dog, people etc.

  I study in kotatsu(a kind of desk which has a built-in heater underneath and is covered by blanket to keep lower part of the body) and I usually leave my school bags beside the kotatsu. Whenever I need something that is in bag, i only reach out my hand and unzip the bag, get it. Then I see my lovely intense pink-colored cell phone in the bag. Pale pink light is blinking, notifying me that I've got a mail. I start wondering who it is from, is it from a friend? bf? Perhaps it is from my mom telling me something urgent. And I open the cell as soon as I grab it. Although the email often end up being a spam, I cannot help disregarding the signal my cellphone sends me and forsake this habit.
Or  that happens when I'm working on my paper, compiling information googling. Information I gain by googling basically can be devided into two groups; the information I need and which I don't. And the latter is so much more vaster. All those ads by the side of personal webpages are so annyoing, but they can be really luring, too. 

 I should be focusing on studying when exams for University is impending, like right now. And I really wish If I had the talent to concentrate. 

Maybe I will, when I turn 20 or something. I really do hope so.

Oh gosh

Skipping a class with a group is so much trouble
when i do it alone, i don't have anything to worry bout cuz 
i can say whatever like im sick and blah blah. 
today i skipped a class for the first time in with a group of people...
when we came back, we saw the teacher turning the corner and 
i couldnt help saying "jeez!" and he noticed our exsistance LOL 
then he  kind of followed us running into the opposite direction...
he said "go to your class now" 
we were like "..." and kept running................

i have an exam coming up....and he could cancel it if he wants...

jesus i am so worried

i wish i didnt skip it today

Next Wednesday will be my 2 weeks with new bf. 2 weeks seems not long enough to know him profoundly.
However, I find myself disenchanted with the guy. He seems different from  when we started dating. At first, he was so generous and sweet. But now I figured he got short temper and has a skeptic side. He's also scrimpy. He never feeds me. When he does, it's like a little tiny thing like a can of chuhai(kinda like a cocktail)or a cup of ice cream. We never go out for lunch or dinner. Once I told him "I'm starving! let's get something to eat!" then he said " Let's grab something at grocery store" I was discontented with what he said, but thought i need to compromise and said "ok." then i got some ready-made food and a desert. He got some snacks...then I had to pay for what i bought! my ex bf never let me pay for food. I pay for movies and stuff like that but expect men to pay for food...i was so disappointed. and he says "i think independent women are awesome". and he is encouraging me to be  "an independent woman"...:(  what the heck is that. he is so curious what i am viewing through my cellphone and he often doubts that i am texting with some other guy. i am not! once he tried to sneak on my cell! if he wants me to be an independent woman, he should not do things like that. what a conflicting idea he got...
i want him to be back what he was (or what seemed to be he was to me) before if he wants to take advantage of me.
people today pursuit too much in equality of men and women. i want men to protect, save, support women. 
especially a girl like me should be able to be given certain support of bfs. 
he is working, i cannot because of my school policy. he is 7 years older than me, i just turned 18.
he is working and still live with his parents=no house rent, food, electric or water bill to pay!
he should be able to save money to spent on his lovely gf.

i guess i could be happier with some other guy...i donno.

Just about a year ago, I was in Washington, trying to adopt myself to American life.

Now Im back in Japan, posting some shit while the class are watching dream girls. 
Ive seen this movie in the states. i watched it alone in my room. 
in my room id always lay upside down and shut the light down, turned off the volume of TV and
watched the subtitle in the midnight. it was kinda depressing.
in such nights i always remembered about my life in Japan.
then i called nori-kun all the time. somtimes i called yurika. 
we talked like about for 4 hours or so. 
i guess i wasted my 2000 bucks(not really, its my parents)on calling.
i remember the homecoming without a date. i remember halloween day i dressed like a 'prostitute'(according to somebody)
remembering those things just makes me feel depressed.

i only wanna look at my future.....................

back in japaaannnnnnnnnnnnnn

Today I feel so happy. I'm so proud of myself. I'm doing what I've been attempting doing and had been failed. it's like "YES!"

So my crush likes some other girl, and Tolo is like next weekend. 
I cannot ask out a guy knowing I'm 100% gonna fail. I am not that brave.
To him I'm some quiet Japanese exchange student in the next seat. 
That's all. Nothing else. I'm not quiet, but to him, I might be. 
He's been like prompt and purpose(yea, i say that) to go to school this semester.
I've been trying to keep myself neat for him. I tried to participate in the class
just because I didn't want him to think I'm some stupid person or burden.
Like 2 days ago I quit dressing myself and stuff anymore.
When I woke up, I couldn't keep my eyes open. 
I didn't feel the excitement I used to have before going to school.
I quit fixing my makeups before the class I have with him.
And I don't try to catch his attention anymore.
I don't know what I was attracted to him. Once I knew he has someone else in his mind,
I'm totally disenchanted. I guess I didn't really like him. 
But  he's been such a good influence on me.

I'm not Christian or anything so I could say like "Buddha hates me" but I don't really believe in Buddha either
I don't think he manipulates all the things going on in this world. So I don't know what to say but...life is harsh. 

One of the interesting differences I've noticed is, the lights.
In Japan, most lights are fluorescent. Office and school, or even home. 
But here, in the United States, I've never seen any fluorescent light at home.
School, yes. Maybe office,too. But never at home. 
I asked some Americans "why don't you use fluorescent lights at home?"
Then they said, "They look ugly" "This is decoration."
I think incandescent lights are more pretty. But they are not cheap as fluorescent.
And I thought Americans were more like pragmatic. 
So at this point I find it funny somewhat. 


 

today i overhheard the conversation the guy i like and his friend, and they were obviously talking about a girl he likes. i should have make a move eariler, or he has liked her even before i met him.  he was like the only american guy i could talk kinda freely. damn, im so depressed. on monday i even dont wanna talk to him anymore cuz im like totally out of his sight.

yulika doesnt wanna take a bus tonight. i dont wanna take a bus either. we still wanna meet but we dont wanna take a bus.

so this weekend will be so boring. 


damn it.